Overcoming Hostitlity

Criticism: Attacking someone’s personality or character, usually with blame, instead of attacking a specific behavior.

Hostility: To be antagonistic toward someone. Pertaining to an enemy.

Contempt: Disapproval tinged with disgust. Communication that is intended to insult. To show disdain for another who is considered vile or worthless.

Contempt and hostility are fueled by thoughts of the other person’s incompetence or disgust. They are disgusting. You think they are stupid. How do you show this?

1. Labeling

   “You’re a jerk.”
   “You’re a b_tch.”
   “You’re a b_stard.”
   “You’re an idiot.”
   “You’re a fool.”
   “You’re stupid.”
   “You are incompetent.”
   

2. Nonverbally

   Roll your eyes when they say something.
   Sigh heavily while they are communicating something to you.
   Turn your back on them while they are talking.
   Walk away from them while they are talking.
   

3. Covert Insults and Humiliations Designed to Cause Real Pain In Others

   “Even Andy could get that one right.”
   “If you really loved me, you’d lift a finger to help around the house.”
   “You don’t even care about your kids.”
   “You were never there when we really needed you.”
   “Any kindergartener could figure that out you moron.”
   “You have serious psychological problems.”
   

Contempt Breeds Contempt

It’s true that contempt breeds contempt. Remember the last time you were involved in one of these?

“What the hell are you doing?”
“You told me to clean my room!”
“I told you to get the living room cleaned up because we have company coming, THEN to clean your room.”
“What’s the difference Mom, no one is coming for TWO hours?”
“That’s it. You have no respect. You are grounded.”
He looks at her in disbelief. Sits on his bed. Stares at her.
“What are you looking at?”
“Nothing. You’re crazy.”
“You will not speak to your Mother that way. You are grounded for one month! Now get this place clean. NOW!”

What happened here?

The son was cleaning his room. He probably should have been cleaning the living room first to prepare for company but he probably didn’t know why he should be cleaning the living room first.

Deep inside, the son felt put out that he had to clean his room and the living room. He didn’t mess up the living room after all. His toddling sister did. He doesn’t even go near the living room.

Deep inside, Mom felt like she was in a pressure cooker. Company coming in two hours and she has four hours of work to do. And this isn’t just any company this is hubby’s new client. A big one. The house has to be perfect. Tonight the pressure is on to make a really positive impression.

This is an example of how most people communicate all day long. Here is the next morning at work…

“Why aren’t you working on the Johnson account?”
“You told me to get the numbers for the Friedman account and the Johnson account updated today.”
“I told you that Johnson is going to be here in TWO hours. Get her account done THEN do the Friedman account. Does any of this make sense to you?”
“Both sets of numbers will be on your desk in the next hour.”
“I want the Johnson numbers NOW.”
“Fine.” (She drops the Friedman file. Grabs the Johnson file and returns to her desk.) “Is there anything else?”
“No. Just get that file to me ASAP.”

Deep inside, the office worker is feeling hurt and angry. She doesn’t feel trusted. She doesn’t feel as if her boss understands her competency level. She is angry that her boss felt it necessary to make a scene over NOTHING in front of the staff. The boss once again made her look bad for no reason. The file would have been done with no problem…and no time delay.

Deep inside, the boss felt that once again people just don’t get it. The top priority item gets second billing. What if there was an emergency or a problem and there wasn’t time to get the Johnson file done? Why don’t people do things in the order that make sense? This woman is as stupid as her son…except he’s 12 and has an excuse. Why does she keep this worker on? Probably because MOST of the time she does a good job, but THIS is just ridiculous.

The office worker goes home. She thinks all the way home that her boss is such a bitch. “She really thinks I’m an idiot,” she mutters over the steering wheel. I hate her. I am going to quit. I will not put up with this insanity any longer. I can’t handle it. She always is on me. Why doesn’t she just let me work and do my job?

She pulls in the driveway. Husband is home. “Hope he had a good day,” she says again over the steering wheel. She goes in. They hug, kiss, sit down and say hello for a minute.

“How was your day?”
“Oh, it was O.K. I’m sick of that witch though.”
“Did she say something again?”
“Yes, she was sticking her nose in my business again.”
“You know, next time she does that you should just tell her to leave and let you get your work done.”
“It’s not quite that easy. She is the boss ya’ know.”
“I know that but that doesn’t give her a right to be so overbearing. Tell her that you are good at what you do and that you don’t need her meddling.”
“She’s so in your face, very intimidating…(kind of like you honey…now that I think of it…) and I don’t want to push the wrong button and lose my job.”
“Geez’, they can’t fire you for doing your job and saying how you feel. Don’t let her push you around.”
“I’ll take care of it.” (I have no idea how but I don’t want to talk about this anymore. Now I feel incompetent here too!)
“Good, if you don’t let it fester you can have it taken care of tomorrow and never deal with it again.”
”That’s easy to say, you are the supervisor at your office. I’m just a peon.”
“I respect people who speak their mind as long as they are respectful.”
“She doesn’t respect anyone but herself. She is not you.”
“I know. I just hate to see you pushed around.”
“I can handle myself.” (No I can’t. Why do I say things like that?)
“OK honey. Keep me posted.” (I’m not going to make her feel bad by continuing this.)

Solutions for Contempt and Hostility

Hostility is attacking someone with the intent to do verbal harm. Some people simply fly off the handle and criticize people. As we talked about earlier, that has to be stopped. Others will complain about behaviors that their partners do. That isn’t so bad in the long run though it isn’t exactly a recipe for happiness. What is among the worst offending sins that is detrimental to the soul is communication with the intent to harm whether in public or private.

If you or your partner are intentionally communicating with the intent to harm you must stop immediately. Hostility is something that no soul should be involved in. There is no benefit to hostility for anyone. The desire to harm others through communication is a sign of serious relationship problems that need to be corrected as soon as possible.

If your partner is intentionally communicating with you in a hostile manner you need to gently share this information with him at the first reasonable moment. The partner should be allowed to communicate his feelings about the reason for his hostility and then move to a solution. The solution is not the silent treatment but increased communication. However, as you deal with the specific issue of hostility do not bring up all the relationship problems of the past. This only gives cause to do the exact opposite of your goal. What model of communication would you propose? Propose it. Get agreement if appropriate and start communicating with the intention to make each other feel good about each other. The exercises on the coming pages will help you rebuild a relationship that was on treacherous ground.

Re-Creating Love and Caring in Relationships

Will the relationship end or will love be re-created? If it’s time to start over do so now. The following plan for re-creating your relationship will be of great help. Here’s how:

Design a completely safe environment in which you and your partner may communicate.

If you have been hitting your partner, change your behavior. Changing your emotions will happen later, but change your behavior now! Your partner was hit as a child. If you tend to blow up at your loved one, stop now. They were yelled at as a child. If you get up and leave when you are angry, stop it now. They were abandoned as a child and you’re acting just like the parent. Think carefully about these examples before moving on to number two. Create an atmosphere where it is safe to talk and communicate. Promise each other that this is a time to listen and not judge, evaluate or point fingers. Create an atmosphere where you can experience positive communication.

Describe three things that you can implement in your marriage today to create a safe environment for yourself and your partner to communicate in.

Stop all criticism immediately!

There is no such thing as constructive criticism to the parts of the unconscious mind that are attempting to finish their childhood!

Create sessions of healing acceptance.

Healing acceptance sessions occur when you and your partner sit down and talk just as if you had been hit by a car in an accident. You want to find out if the other person is all right and see what you can do for them. You need to tell your partner that you want him to acknowledge what you are about to tell him without rebuttal or explanation on his part. No defensiveness is necessary. You are simply telling him that you are wounded and that it hurts. You will not blame him. You will use statements like, “I feel...” and “I hurt...” He should say, “I understand,” and “What else do you want to tell me?” “Go on.” “OK.” Those four statements and questions are the sum of what the non-injured partner will say.

It is vitally important to never attack your partner during these, “healing acceptance” sessions. Keep it open and loving and then your relationship will be on it’s way forward!

Perform random acts of kindness for your partner.

Bring a card or gift home after work. A small and inexpensive gift shows your thoughtfulness and can do wonders for your relationship in a big way. Notice the key word is ‘random’. It means unpredictable. Be unpredictable with your times of giving.

Do something that you normally don’t do around the house. If you never do the dishes, do them one night. If you never cut the lawn, cut it. The unexpected can be very pleasant and very appreciated.

Return to a successful dating ritual you liked.

Was there something special you did while you were dating? Do it now.

Express your love and feelings for your partner with hugs, kisses and verbal affirmations of love, often.

Most people need to be hugged and kissed. Leo Buscaglia used to prescribe at least a dozen hugs per day for the maintenance of a relationship. Saying, “I love you,” may get old after 30,000 recitations but you never hear of anyone complaining that their partner tells them that they love them too often!

Discover their needs and wants while sharing yours.

For you to have a wonderful relationship discover what your partner currently loves about your relationship. Then ask your partner what he thinks could improve your relationship. Ask your partner the questions below, in the Successful Relationship Elicitation exercise. (Don’t do this all in one sitting!)

This exercise will help you discover what is important to your partner and will help you transform your relationship.

Successful Relationship Elicitation

The following questions are to be used as discovery tools for you and your partner to learn more about each other and deepen your bond. Use these questions as tools to gently start to help you and your partner “peel each other’s onions.” The first questions will help you and your partner build resources for which you can refer to in tough times. Later questions help discover weaknesses and areas that can use change or improvement. Spend about 20 minutes for each partner with these questions, over several days.

• What is the best thing about our relationship?
• What is the next best thing about our relationship?
• What else?
• What do you believe you should learn about me to improve our relationship?
• What do you think I should learn about you to improve our relationship?
• What are two things I do that annoy you?
• What are two things you do, that you think annoy me?
• How happy are you with our sex life?
• What can I do to make our sex life more intoxicating?
• What would you be willing to do to make our sex life more intoxicating?
• When we argue from now on, should we agree to kiss and make up before the argument gets out of hand?
• What will our “cue” be for this to happen?
• What do you do around the house that you think I don’t appreciate?
• What do you do at work that you think I don’t appreciate?
• What do I do that you probably don’t appreciate as much as you could?
• What do you want to know about my past that I haven’t told you?
• What do you want me to know about your past that you haven’t told me?
• When should I be jealous?
• When do you think you should be jealous?
• How can we go from having a good relationship to having a fantastic relationship?

All of these questions allow us to discover more about our partner in a couple of hours than we may have discovered in years. Questions are an under-used element of communication in our culture. Beginning to ask gentle questions will put you on the track to improving communication and thereby improving your relationship no matter how good or bad it already is.

Learning what is important to your partner and being certain your partner understands what you need and want makes having a good relationship much easier. You take the guess work out of knowing what helps the other person feel more at ease with you.

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Influence & Persuasion: How to Read Their Minds (Part 4)

Experiment 4: Priming and the Brain

I showed half the group the name "Benjamin Franklin." I showed half the group the name "Bill Gates." Then I said, "Write down the name of a man."

I made no prediction. I simply had everyone read what name they wrote down. The people who were primed with Benjamin Franklin wrote down historical figures like FRANKLIN Roosevelt, Thomas Jefferson and George Washington. None of the men written down were living.

In the group that was shown Bill Gates, two interesting things happened. First, all of the men's names (save one) that were written down were names of men who were still living, including a significant number choosing BILL Clinton. The prime of "Bill" was more useful than I imagined it would be and other living wealthy (without exception) men were named as well.

The experiments show how powerful priming is. Priming CAUSES people to THINK and BEHAVE in specific ways that are largely predictable.

Let me do one with you right now. QUICKLY do this then see what happens.

Experiment 5: More Priming

QUICKLY: Write down the name of a card in a deck of cards. Any card at all.

Now

What's interesting...

...is that...

people who wait more than one second before writing their card down, end up writing random cards and colors. Those who respond instantly select one of three cards over 60% of the time: Ace of spades, Queen of Hearts and Jack of Diamonds. When only two predictions can be made, it's the AS or QH: 45% of the time.

This is a truly amazing test of psychic power of course...because it is all but impossible. Yet the hands go up and everyone looks at each other in amazement to see that they or their neighbor wrote down what was "sent" to them.

How does this work?

We are all primed to think certain things and do certain things in certain situations. If I tell you to write down a city in America, you are likely to write down New York. Most people do. People think city and the neural net immediately goes to the city with the most connections. On average, in America, that is New York.

Understanding specifically how and what people will respond and react to makes creating influential messages much easier than trying to guess what people will respond to.

I discuss the results of all the experiments in Science of Influence 37-48. With this, you have enough incredible insights to go out and change how you are working with clients and customers, today.

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Influecen & Persuasion: How To Read Their Minds (Part 3)

Experiment 2: Get Them Calculating

Next I had people speak out loud the answers to these:

1+1 is...
2+2 is...
4+4 is ...
8+8 is...
16+ 16 is...
32 + 32 is...
64 + 64 is...

then I said,
"Write down a number between 12 and 5."

I predicted that they would write down the number 7. Precisely 50% of the participants did just that. Each participant was free to select 11, 10, 9, 8, 7, or 6. But there was no conscious selection. They simply did a mathematical operation after having done seven prior to my request. This one was subtraction. 12-5=7. Only 16% should have written 7 but 50% did because our mind is on autopilot and does what the last thing in it would trigger.

To follow up and elaborate on that point, I do something far more complex and truly mystifying.

Experiment 3: Instruct the Brain

I repeat all of the seven mathematical operations above then I say,

"Say blue"
"Say black"
"Say white"
"Say orange"
"Say black"
"Write down a vegetable."

Now there are hundreds of vegetables. Alfalfa sprouts, asparagus, beets, broccoli, brussels sprouts, cabbage, cauliflower, carrots, corn, and so on. But with certainty and confidence I state the impossible.

"I wanted you to write down carrot."

Indeed 45% chose carrot. A statistical impossibility, all things being equal...but all things weren't equal. I don't have psychic powers.... I simply know how to control the mind (mine and my client's).

The brain is made up of neurons that fire together and wire together to create engrams of information which create "thoughts." In this case the brain was instructed "vegetable black orange." There is no black vegetable. Carrots are indeed orange, and that is specifically why people immediately choose carrots. With even one second of a delay however, the number of people writing down carrot decreases dramatically. As soon as the mind "thinks," or "attends", your psychic powers...disappear. All the brain did was link the representation of vegetable to the one that was orange (as there is no encoding for black vegetable in the brain). Simple, as long as the person reacts instantly and doesn't pause to think.

We did dozens of similar tests to pave the way for some amazing applications for each person's business. I'll give you one example with fascinating results that has never been done anywhere before.

Turn the page for more experiments.

To Be Continued...

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Influence & Persuasion: How To Read Their Mind ( Part 2)

What is the Secret?

The secret is in understanding how minds and bodies are controlled by specific stimuli or not. But, there's more.

The secret is also in understanding how people respond and/or react to certain stimuli. Knowing how people filter the past and how they will filter in the future. (If you don't have Science of Influence 1-36....you are missing...everything!)

Experiment 1: You First

I had all the Influence: Boot Camp participants watch me closely. When I "wrote" the numbers 1,2,3,4 high in the air with my finger and then asked them to write down one number, 45% chose (as I predicted when I turned the flip chart around) the number 3.

When there are hundreds of people in the audience, the number comes closer to 50 or 55% because we begin to identify with the crowd and think as one unit. That's when minds are very predictable. Think about it. 1/2 of all people will write down 3. In an audience of 500 the odds of that happening are millions to one. Absolute proof of psychic powers and connections with the people. Psychic influence at it's best?

It's no such thing.

People, on average, don't like going first (it's a way to get yourself thrown out of the gene pool) and they hate being last. They are compelled to not pick the first or last number. Given the choice of the second or third, they err to the cautious side and select the number three.

It's human nature. In 11 years of doing this bit of psychic prowess, it has never failed in a group larger than 13 people. Never.

I'll come back to what all this means to you as a person of influence later.

To be continued...

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How to Read Their Minds (Part 1)

How would you like to be able to:

• Cause people to make certain decisions instead of others, or

• Simply say the right thing and have it trigger crucial emotions and thoughts necessary for you to hear "yes?"

"Mind control" is nothing short of exciting. The results of well-done research glisten like gold. Influence as an art is useful. As a science, it is indispensable.

We scientifically tested and re-tested about 30 brand new and some old experiments of mind control and persuasion at Influence: Boot Camp..

Many of the tests and experiments we did are based upon mentalism routines I often use to open up a presentation. They captivate immediately. People are fascinated when you can read their minds, tell them what happened in their past...with precision. And they literally think that psychic powers are possible because Kevin has them...(but I don't - no more than you do!).

Can You Literally Read Minds?

Pat Dillon is a wonderful real estate trainer who works on the east coast. And he was one of our Boot Camp participants. A question came up about "talking to the dead", and "telling a person their future". Pat was kind enough to let me "psychically" tell him these things:

• That the someone special he was thinking about who had died was indeed his father,

• That he died in a hospital of heart attack,

• It was in a different city but not one far from his own home,

• That he wasn't able to be with him but desperately wanted to be and,

• That til this day a small amount of resentment existed by Pat toward the person who was able to be there, his brother.

• He really wanted to be there. He couldn't.

At that point of the "reading" I stopped and reminded him that I am not psychic and I didn't want him to believe I was. The silence in the room, the looks of astonishment revealed minds that had been blown. It was undeniable evidence that I could read Pat's mind. But I couldn't. I could easily read his nonverbals, though.

"Talking to the dead" and reading minds is a teachable skill. In two days, I can show just about anyone how to "read someone's mind" or "tell them their past and future" with essentially no error.

The very same skills help develop the most persuasive messages.

What's the secret?

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Rewiring Her Brain. How to Do It. (Part 1)

You want her to say “yes” to you. It’s as simple as that. You want her to listen to you. You want her to buy you, your product, your idea, or your service. You want her to change in therapy. The processes are all similar. Whether “she” is the beautiful woman across the room, the business you are selling to or an entire country…(No one ever refers to a beautiful ship, a great company or one’s country as a “he.”)…you begin by rewiring her brain.

There is a quality to the imprecision of a well-designed story that activates both sides of the brain. If a story is “too perfect or too pristine”, then you will fail in your goal. There must be “holes” in your story to keep attention. Just like every great piece of popular fiction from Sherlock Holmes to John Grisham’s work, you must have plenty of holes that need to be filled by the reader. You want to do the same. The goal is there. The linear process is there. The sensations are there. The feelings are there. But you don’t have all the information until the person says “yes.” This is a secret of captivation!

Women will tell you they find a man intriguing while he is still complex and somewhat mysterious. When the entire puzzle is solved, it is time to put the puzzle in the closet.

She is the product of her genes and her social construction. You can only rewire her brain if she finds you enticing in some respects. She will find you fascinating and want more of you when you make her brain light up like a Christmas tree. Both sides. The stories must link up her emotions, feelings, sensations as well as her sense of staying with the story moment by moment. This is true whether you are a man or woman, and whether you are selling yourself, your therapy or a product.

Here, I’m going to present to you a taste of new research about one set of strategies that we have discussed very little over the past year. This article touches on some of the more incredible information I’ve disseminated to you in the last few years….

In fact the process of rewiring her brain is, in part, a microcosm of changing groups, cultures, country and world opinion. Understanding the stickiness of one helps understand the other. And the way you change one person or a group is essentially the same although there are some additional challenges in changing the individual outside of the group. (It’s much easier to create change or get “yes” in a group than it is in a one-on-one situation.)

In this article you’re going to learn the following:

• People’s beliefs and behaviors are “sticky.” (Most don’t change easily)
• People’s brains, which generate these beliefs and behaviors, can be rewired.
• Groups, societies and nations exhibit the same “stickiness.”
• Virtually everyone’s brain can be re-wired.
• Some people rewire faster than others due to individual differences.
• Specific strategies.

You’ve learned a lot about how behavior generates attitudes in the past few months here in coffee. The fastest and best way to change someone’s attitude is to get them to perform a behavior. The second fastest is to tell a specific kind of story with several key ingredients…You will learn both today.

Nothing shows this clearer than the world events of the past 10 days.

10 days prior to engagement in Iraq, the United States Citizens were split about 50/50 as to whether this would be the right thing to do. Two days after the first engagement, polls showed 70-76% of citizens felt it was the right thing to do. Why? Behavior precedes attitude change. As soon as the collective behaves in one way, then individual change begins. Note: Not everyone will change in every collective.

FIRST KEY: Behavior precedes attitude.

It should be easy.

The troops will free Iraq and then her citizens can go and do what they want for the first time in their life. This will take time, because behavior and stories will take time to integrate. Freedom is a new conceptual reality and not a behavior or story.

But, in reality, freedom takes getting used to.

Very few people in the world, less than 5%, completely embrace and utilize freedom even when they have the opportunity. Most people wake up in the morning and go to the same place they did yesterday at the same pay, with the identical hours, with the same co-workers, with the same specific tasks or jobs to do.

Now, imagine that you take this normal person in a free society (Where one can choose what they do for a living, who they work for, determine what religion they will adhere to and what political beliefs they will choose.) and tell they can have an even better life. They are now “free to leave.” They are free to leave and go anywhere they choose. In the examples in this middle part of the story we will talk about their employment (as opposed to where they live, their hobbies, their friends, their spouse.

Recently in the Minneapolis Star-Tribune, there was an enormous article about how employees at Northwest Airlines “fear for their jobs.” Wow! The United States has 200,000,000 different jobs and a person is afraid they will lose their one job with only 199,999,999 left to compete for. If someone is only average they can compete for 100 million jobs…

You set them free.

What does the person do?

They freeze. They become fearful. They wait for the company to re-hire. They come back to the same job, pay, hours and co-workers. Every day. Very few will leave for a long time. It takes enormous pain to get people to move from point one to point two.

When a fish is placed in an aquarium and a clear plastic barrier is placed at the midpoint of the barrier the fish only has access to half the aquarium’s space to swim. After one week, the kind owner of the fish (who lovingly gave him one cubic foot of water to live in) removes the barrier so the fish can swim through the entire aquarium. What happens?

The fish stays on her side of the aquarium. She doesn’t move into the other side of the aquarium. She wouldn’t know how. There was always a barrier there, there continues to be one after it is removed.

This experiment has been done many times and is just one of hundreds of experiments that are related to changing behavior when one is free to do so.

All of these experiments and an analysis of interpersonal communications and social change show that without enforcing behavioral change…almost all changes are accomplished slowly. There are exceptions. One notable change was the willingness of American Citizens to relinquish some private information in exchange for a substantially safer country to live in. (Airport Security, Immigration Information Upgrades, etc.) This change, which would have taken decades in normal circumstances, happened in less than six months. A rare exception to the rule. The exception was, of course, one of necessity and not “will” per se. Fear is a potent motivator, as you have learned from past articles.

Research on recidivism at prisons across America shows that the vast majority of people who enter prison once soon come back again. The longer they stay, the more likely they are to return.

It is indeed very difficult for even the most reformed prisoner to return to the “real world” after living in prison. The time in prison is very regimented. Every basic absolute need (food, water, shelter, clothing) is met even though few core human drives are fulfilled. (Sex, safety, acquisition).

The prisoner is put on a schedule. They are told when to eat, where to eat, how to eat. When and where to sleep. When and where to exercise. When and where to work. There is no choice. At the onset of captivity the prisoner resists these changes from the real world. After 4-8 weeks, the changes become the new status quo and become very impermeable to change. The more regimented, the more difficult to change.

On “the outside,” there are choices. Too many choices for someone used to captivity. The former prisoner must learn to eat on a different schedule, eat different food, shower at different times, exercise at will and sleep on a chosen schedule. The choices are too numerous for most to handle and the prisoner ultimately returns to that which he knows best.

Much like leaving a job after five or ten years is considered a devastating experience by most, the prisoner is thrown into a state of flux upon release. No matter how unpleasant the status quo is, the brain knows what to expect and can thus predict what will happen…the same thing that happened yesterday. The need to be able to predict the events of the future has historically been critical to human survival…and….it is also the great obstacle in change. The person leaving the job tends to return to the line of work he just left. The prisoner returns to the cellblock he once lived in.

Even in a free society like The United States, Canada, or the U.K., people tend to shy away from utilizing their freedom. On average, people prefer far fewer choices than having a universe of possibilities.

The oldest part of the brain, what we will call the unconscious part of the brain, moves through day to day activity by reacting to the same stimuli in the same fashion that has been successful every day in the past. When new information and challenges are presented the brain doesn’t know how to respond with certainty so it doesn’t. The conscious part of the mind pauses and “thinks.” It starts to look at possibilities and options. It is…work.

What will happen in a country like Iraq?

With a respected, trustworthy, caring interim leader who is seen to have the best interests of the masses at heart… and delegates labor on a somewhat socialistic system, they will probably succeed. Ultimately, in 10 years, a conversion to a democratic society where freedom of choice exists if the person chooses to utilize the freedom can work. These changes are slow though. Anyone expecting social stability even in the best case in a currently oppressed society, is expecting too much. It takes time. Sometimes a generation or more. Many people believe that capitalism and democracy “don’t work” after having lived in a “democratic society” after communism or a dictatorship. And indeed, it is rare that the first generation “works” because you would be expecting an entire nation of people to be able to intelligently choose jobs, spouses, hobbies, religions, political parties when they have done so.

It’s much like asking a kindergartner to tell you which is the safest street to take on her walk to school. She may guess correctly but she probably will fail until she learns how to make choices…makes the choices…then tests them by walking them. Then she will become convinced in her own mind which is safest…whether it really is or not.

So how do you rewire her brain if you can’t actually get her to take physical actions?

Story….but only a specific kind of story.

In Covert Hypnosis Volume 1, (now available in the Covert Hypnosis CD Set, I gave you some of the examples of stories but I’ve never revealed the ingredients of a story that will begin the rewiring process in her brain.

When you are talking with that (beautiful) woman across the table from you, you may fail at getting her to take an action but you won’t fail at getting her unconscious mind’s attention and begin changing circuitry. But you must do it correctly.

Stories can destroy your chances of getting to “yes,” or they can ensure it.

Effective stories must be goal oriented and linear to engage the left brain. If you stop there you will lose (and so will she!). This is one of many reasons why most self help programs don’t work. Communicating a goal to yourself or someone else in and of itself is simply going to fail. Don’t even bother.

You must engage the right brain, also. You must observe a Christmas tree of lights going off and on in the right brain. How do you accomplish this?

There must be verbal and nonverbal activation of emotion in your story, which will turn on the lights in her right brain. This, combined with a linear and goal-oriented story will fully engage her mind in what you are saying. In addition, it begins processing and reprocessing of information and her thoughts about you, literally beginning the rewiring process and putting you in a positive light.

KEY POINT: Feelings, thoughts, behaviors and sensations must be included in all rewiring stories or the rewiring will fail. The influential communication will be lost on her and you walk away with an expensive dinner and a “thanks for the evening.” Or you lose the sale…or you lose the battle for the public mind.

To learn much more about sculpting the brain you will want the Covert Hypnosis CD Set and Workbook. (New! - see below.)

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Flubbing The Story: 10 Communication Mistakes We All Make (Part 3)

10) Not telling your stories with intention.

Before you begin speaking, over-ride the compulsion to blurt out your story.

Think:
What is the intention of your story?
Why are you going to tell this story?
Will anyone who listens to this story be hurt by what you say?

You might think that it's not that important to communicate exactly what you mean but remember December 2002? Quite often someone tells a story and they haven't thought about who they are telling the story to or how it might easily be misinterpreted to mean something else.

Trent Lott, A Mississippi Republican got himself stuck in a public relations nightmare and gave up the dream of a lifetime in December of 2002. Destined to become the House Majority Leader in January of 2003, he made a critical mistake that everyone should be attentive to and learn from.

Speaking at a party honoring Senator Strom Thurmond's 100th birthday, he opened Pandora's box and never knew what his words of appreciation for the elderly Senator would do. The drama of misunderstood words caused even the President of The United States to distance himself from Lott.

Speaking for the President, Ari Fleischer said after one speech that Bush was not calling for Lott to step aside as Leader or as Senator.

"The president does not think that Sen. Lott needs to resign," Fleischer said.

The problem? Thurmond, the South Carolina Republican who ran as a third-party candidate for president in 1948 as a segregationist had changed his views over the ensuing 50 years of public service. But the comments by Lott made it appear that Lott was still in favor of them. In 1948 most blacks in many southern U.S. states, including Mississippi, were not allowed to vote.

Lott actually didn't say anything that was racist but the interpretation by his adversaries was easy to spin into the public mind. Shortly after the speech, Lott called Bush, and his office issued a statement saying the president was right.

"Senator Lott agrees with President Bush that his words were wrong and he is sorry," said Lott spokesman Ron Bonjean. "He repudiates segregation because it is immoral."

Lott expressed similar sentiments in his call to Bush, Fleischer said.

So just what did Lott say at the Thurmond celebration?

"We're proud of it. And if the rest of the country had followed our lead, we wouldn't have had all these problems over the years,"

Later he would have to clarify what he meant but it was too late, he hadn't thought through how is words might effect the minds of his greatest adversaries.

"I'm sorry for my words," said Lott, who has said he would not step aside as Senate Republican leader. Speaking to WABC radio in New York and then on BET days later, Lott said he had wanted to honor "Thurmond the man" but not back segregationist policies.

The Congressional Black Caucus called for a formal censure of Lott, saying anything less would be seen as approval of his remarks by Bush, Congress and the Republican party. In Mississippi, civil rights officials said his apology was insufficient, and accused him of having enduring ties to groups that are believed to have racist views. Several major U.S. newspapers published editorials demanding Republicans reject Lott as their Senate leader.

A few misunderstood words caused Lott his reputation and drove many of those closest to him to leave his side.

What is the lesson learned?

Lesson: When telling your stories, think about how they will be received by your listeners and the people your listeners will talk to. You aren't likely to ever be under media scrutiny like a political leader, but the point is clear. Think before speaking.

In a conversation with friends, business colleagues and the like you will often hear them say something which frustrates you. You will hear things that you don't understand. Because you really want to know what the person means and feels, you must learn to tease out the intention.

Did they mean what you thought they just said?
Did they mean what you heard?

In Lott's case a friend might say to the Senator, "So are you saying you liked the way Thurmond thought about segregation in 1948."

He might reply, "Of course not. What a stupid thought. I meant that I really admire Thurmond."

It is that simple and difficult. When you don't understand their story, seek to understand before criticizing the person!

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Flubbing The Story: 10 Communication Mistakes We All Make (Part 3)

8) Poke holes in other people's special stories.

They are telling you about their adventure to the audit at the IRS office.

"I was so nervous, I'm driving to the IRS office and I'm sitting there thinking, oh man, I have to remember to NOT talk. Shut up. Be quiet. Don't say anything."

"What did you do to get audited?"

"Huh? I filed Schedule C and that means..."

"Did you report all of your income?"

"I think so."

"You THINK so? What are you nuts? You have to report all of your income."

"Of course you have to report all of your income. Anyway, I'm on the way to the IRS office and..."

"Did you overstate your deductions?"

"Of course not. I ..."

"If you overstate your deductions they will bust your ..."

"I KNOW that and I didn't. Let's just drop the whole thing."

"O.K. I was just trying to help."

And so it goes. Our storyteller was preparing to tell the story of her big victory over the IRS auditor and our storyteller's friend poked big holes in the story. So big that it took all the fun and excitement out of sharing the story.

The appropriate response would have been to listen with fascination and a sense of curiosity, saving all questions and comments for much, much later.

9) Overtly brag about yourself too much.

"I don't want to brag but the place would have gone under without me. I was there every day at dawn and stayed til the sun went down. I built the company and once they had 100 employees there was no appreciation at all. They down sized me. It was unbelievable. I literally designed almost every major piece that we produced and when it came time for them to decide who to let go, it was me. I couldn't believe it. They never would have gone public without me. They never would have met their payroll without me. I just can't believe they didn't see what I was worth to them."

True or not, bragging never pays. There are so many effective ways to bolster your reputation and communication credentials when talking to people that you never need to overstate your contribution to a relationship, a project, a business, a deal, or anything. Learn how to tell a great story where you were a hero without bragging at all!

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Flubbing the Story: 10 Communication Mistakes We All Make (Part 3)

5) Exaggerate when telling your story.

"...and there were millions of people watching the parade!"
(There were 850 according to newspaper accounts.)

"...I never even looked at her!"
(Never looked?!)

"...before he started the diet he weighed 300 pounds!"
(OK it was really 240.)

A story worth telling is worth telling accurately. Tell it with enthusiasm, zeal and intensity. Tell it accurately. It's vital that all of your communication is true without being critical or unnecessarily unkind. Exaggeration is an invitation for people to not listen or care.

6) Ignore feedback during your story telling.

"...and then she comes in the door and she has this skirt on that is so ridiculously short. I mean who is she kidding. She's not a teenager anymore." (friend nods politely while fighting back a yawn, eyes begin to glaze over) "...do people have no sense of decency anymore? I just wonder what makes some people tick. Don't people pay attention to what they are wearing and see how it makes everybody feel?"
(friend shrugs and nods with feigned frustration)

The woman telling the story about the short skirted office friend could have spared her listener the despair of this antiquated story had she only seen the feigned frustration, the shrug, the yawn, but it was not something the storyteller was looking for. It should have been. It's critical to always pay attention to how people are receiving the stories you tell.

You must pay close attention to your listener's body language while you are telling your story. Is their body language telling you they are interested, or impatient for the end? Are their lips moving, ready to jump in on your story, or are they listening with awe. Not learning to understand the body language of other people is one of the mistakes we make in communication.

7) Respond to other people's stories with a story of your own.

"...and I went to Cancun and you should have seen the beaches. They were beautiful. The Princess Hotel was absolutely breathtak..."
"You stayed at the Princess. It's really not bad you know. On our third trip to Cancun we stayed at The Princess, in the Oceanview Suite. They reserved it for us because John helped with the design of the building in '98. I didn't really like The Princess that much. It was a wannabee hotel. But since then we've stayed at the new Sheraton. It just has everything and they take care of you like you are royalty there. I think if we go back and don't go to Tahiti on our next trip, we're going to stay there again."

"Cancun sure is nice."
(The energy has been discharged from her being and the desire to communicate further with her friend went with her energy.)

This is one of the really sad things we do in communicating with others. Instead of teasing out the rest of the story from our friend, we immediately jump in with a story of our own. Research shows that people feel better when you pursue their story to it's completion, then disclose (share) something of your own.

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Flubbing the Story: 10 Communication Mistakes We All Make (part 2)

1) Be boring.

Being boring centers around being focused on yourself. Even when telling stories you must be paying attention to the person who is listening to you. You must think ahead of time, "Why do they want to hear this story?" "How can I tell this story so it is interesting to them?"

Your stories will usually be about your experiences. How you tell your stories and how you position yourself in your stories will determine just how interested the other person will be.

2) Talk for too long.

If you are in an everyday conversation, you probably have less than one minute to tell your story. Learn to tell what I call a "thumb nail" or a "Reader's Digest condensed version" of your story.

I remember when my sister was a pre-teen she would come home from the movies and virtually recite all the lines of the movie line for line, scene for scene. My eyes would glaze over by the time she got past the opening credits. 30 minutes later she would finish and I would be nodding my head. I loved my sister. I just didn't have the heart to tell her. Over the years she learned to tell the "Reader's Digest condensed version". Today she is an executive with Johnson and Johnson.

3) Speak too slowly.

People have very short attention spans. Most companies pitch their products in thirty second commercials on television. The newest wave of men's magazines include the best sellers Stuff and Maxim. These publications feature "articles" as short as a paragraph. Our attention spans are so short that USA Today seems to be filled with articles that are far too detailed for a lot of people. The message needs to be delivered quickly and concisely in print and in everyday conversation.

One of the greatest problems people have when telling a story is speaking far too slowly. Think of the people who are enjoyable to listen to. Comedians. Robin Williams: Speaks quickly. Dennis Miller: Speaks quickly. Bill Cosby: Speaks moderately. George Wallace: Speaks quickly. Billy Crystal: Moderate to fast paced. Jerry Seinfeld: Moderate to fast paced. There aren't a lot of people who make you laugh who also speak slowly when they are telling a story. Yes, there is an exception to every rule, but here is the rule: Speak a little more quickly and you have a better chance of having your story heard and enjoyed.

4) Speak in a garbled way so that people can't understand you.

Many people look away when they are communicating with you. They think you have a universal translator that translates all languages including garbled English. Remember that millions of people are hard of hearing and they have little chance of hearing the average woman (who speak at frequencies much higher than men) speak at all. When you speak, look at the person you are talking to. Speak clearly. Speak loud enough so they can hear you. All of this may seem obvious but having observed thousands of people communicate, I promise you that this one mistake causes big problems in relationships; problems that could easily be avoided.

To read about Mistake # 5 come back soon!

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Flubbing The Story: 10 Communication Mistakes We All Make (part 1)

Most conversations include at least one story. Some longer conversations include two dozen or more stories! When you tell someone a story, it's really important to you that the person you are talking to listens. It makes you feel good when they "oooooh" and "ahhhhhh." When people gloss over your stories you feel let down and sometimes hurt. Our stories are important to us and we want them to be important to others.

Everything you have become today is part of your life story, the sum of all of your stories about your life. It means the world to you when people are fascinated by your stories.

Remember when the little Texas girl, Jessica McClure fell in the well and got trapped? It took three days to get her out. The nation watched. Would she live or die? Could the rescuers get her in time? That happened in 1987, you don't even know Jessica but you probably remember it to this day! Each year millions of people die and experience incredible events. The story of Jessica was a great story and it unfolded right before our eyes. The media calls these kinds of stories, "human interest" stories. They sell news shows because people are engaged by the drama. Each of us has at least one human interest story to tell about ourselves. A time when you survived something dramatic. You overcame an illness. You persisted until you succeeded. You helped someone in great need and someone found out about it and told someone else who told the news and then you made the news. All of these are great stories.

Telling stories well and listening to them with fascination are two important factors in maintaining good communication. You'd think it would be easy to tell and listen to stories but this isn't the case and "flubbing the story" is the first of the mistakes we make when communicating.

There are 10 ways to flub a story.

1. Be boring.
2. Talk too long.
3. Speak too slowly.
4. Speak in a garbled way so that people can't understand you.
5. Exaggerate when telling your story.
6. Ignore feedback during your story telling.
7. Respond to other people's stories with a story of your own.
8. Poke holes in other people's special stories.
9. Overtly brag about yourself just a little too much.
10. Not telling your stories with intention.

Let's look at each of these 10 ways to flub a story and then let's talk about how to tell a story so people will listen, be fascinated and be asking for more!

To Be Continued...

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Masting The Art Of Communication (Part 5)

CLOSURE IN COMMUNICATION

The ability to politely and effectively close a cycle of communication is a skill that more people need to become adept at. Closure is the ability to acknowledge the other person, say "thank you" to the other person or confirm that what was said was understood. Closure is the final step in any segment or cycle of communication. You have experienced communication that did not "end." Someone walked out of a room, hung up the phone, switched subjects in mid-conversation without explaining why, etc.

When complete cycles of communication are not accomplished, it leaves the person with tremendous frustration and often anger. You can always be certain to have closure in communication by acknowledging that you have heard and understood what a person has said to you. It is not necessary to agree with someone if you are not prepared to. It is necessary to close each cycle of communication.

Tape record the following Image-Creation to experience a presentation or speech you will make, in advance. Listen to the Image-Creation before making your presentation.

Image-Creation # 6 An Award Winning Speech

Find a quiet and calm environment. Sit or lay down in a comfortable position.
Close your eyes and take a deep breath and release it.
Go out into the future and imagine a time when someone asks you to come and give a speech on the secrets of success as you know them and have applied them in your life to get where you are at this future stage of your life.
As you give this speech, listen to the applause. Notice the smiling faces in the audience. Carefully observe what the members of your audience are wearing. What does the room smell like? What is the temperature like in the room?
Listen to the sound of your voice as you speak.
Be certain that you are looking through your eyes as the speaker as you give this speech.
As you close your speech, observe the audience give you a standing ovation. Meet the people in the front row. Shake their hands and thank them for caring so much about you and what you had to say.
Confirm for the people you talk to after the speech that they too can be successful if they will simply design their own life. As you feel the most enthusiastic and exhilarated you may return to now.
Take a few deep breaths and open your eyes when you are ready.
Once your eyes are open, remember the most exciting and exhilarating moment of the speech and squeeze your middle finger. You are anchoring these feelings and this accomplishment to your middle finger.

BECOME FASCINATED BY WHAT OTHERS CAN SHARE WITH YOU.

Most people seem to try to be interesting when they should be interested. The truly successful communicator is a curious person. He wants to know more about other people. She is truly fascinated by what other people can share with them. You may sincerely wonder how you could be interested in some people. If what interests them doesn't interest you, then discover how they became interested in what they are interested in. In other words, if you don't like fishing and someone you're communicating with does, find out how they became so excited about fishing. What experiences do they have that started this fascination.

By making others feel special, they will feel that you are special.

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Communication: Mastering The Art Of Communication (part 4)

VALUES DETERMINATION MODEL

"What is most important thing to you about X?" (Buying a house, choosing a restaurant to eat at, your job, etc.)
How do you know when you have gotten X? (How do you know when you are happy? How do you know that you have the right house? How do you know that you have gotten a good deal on buying a car? etc.)
What's the next most important thing to you about X?
What else is important to you about X?
Until then, here are a few more distinctions that can make a difference for you now!
RAPPORT
It is probably fair to say that most people enjoy talking about themselves. This is one reason the values determination model is so effective. You are asking people about their most highly valued feelings and thoughts. This is an excellent way to augment the development of rapport in communication. Rapport is the perceived affinity between two or more people.
Rapport is the perceived affinity between two or more people.
The ability to build and maintain rapport in communication is one of the key skills of a master communicator. One of the greatest examples of rapport building is found in the New Testament. Notice how the apostle Paul uses rapport to prepare his listeners for what he wants to communicate to them.
The setting is this: Paul is in Athens, Greece. Athens has a largely pagan culture. The city is filled with idols and temples to mythological gods. As a Jew, this is repugnant to Paul. Some of the local philosophers have challenged Paul to a debate. They bring him to the infamous Mars Hill. It is here that we pick up Paul's communication mastery...
"Men of Athens, I perceive that in all things you are very religious." (This immediately breaks their skeptical pattern of thinking and creates an instant bridge for Paul to metaphorically walk on.)
"...for as I was passing through and considering the objects of your worship, I even found an altar with this inscription: TO THE UNKNOWN GOD. Therefore, the One whom you worship without knowing, Him I proclaim to you."
(Paul uses his persuasive communication skills brilliantly. The altar is one of THEIR objects of worship. The God he wants to discuss is one of THEIR gods. He is not going to talk about some new god!)
"God, who made the world and everything in it, since He is the Lord of heaven and earth, does not dwell in temples made with hands." (God MADE the world, he tells them. He's OBVIOUSLY much too BIG to live in a human temple!)
Paul continues his discourse, explaining that God gives us life, our breath, and a place to live. He explain that God needs nothing from us.
"...for in Him we live and move and have our being, as also some of YOUR OWN POETS HAVE SAID, 'For we are also his offspring."
"Therefore, since we are the offspring of God, we ought not to think that the Divine Nature is like gold or silver or stone, something shaped by art and man's devising."
Paul once again maintains rapport by returning to citing the Greeks authorities. Building rapport is one step. Maintaining rapport and bridging into the message you wish to tell is another.
"Truly, these times of IGNORANCE God overlooked, but NOW commands all men everywhere to repent, because He has appointed a day on which he will judge the world in righteousness by the man he has ordained. He has given assurance of this to all by raising Him from the dead."
Paul has reached the crux of his message and has held the attention of his audience. It was the rapport that Paul built with the antagonistic philosophers that is the key to his successful communication here.
Rapport is much more than verbal compliments of course. It is the non-verbal behavior that is involved as well. Non-verbal behavior that enhances the building of rapport can be found in my book, Psychology of Persuasion.

To Be Continued...